at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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