Well apparently he's into motor boating.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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