How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
