he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
