At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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