i don't like sucking hair
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
false alarm, still single
Randomize
