Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
