Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
