The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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