I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
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