she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
