my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
