I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
