The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
