If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
