and you said cock pushups were impossible
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
