i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
