dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
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