I can't watch pbs sober anymore
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
