I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
