Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
