If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
