chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
