OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
