there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
It's shark week go big or go home
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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