Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
