my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
