Banned from zoo.
Again?
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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