I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
