I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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