I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
