ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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