I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
