Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
porn star boner night. come get it.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
