if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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