Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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