i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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