chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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