im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
