I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
