An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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