Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Randomize
