i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
