You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
