On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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