My hand turned me down
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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