Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
