guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
