Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
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