Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
